Syndicate and Hague

There’s this really interesting thing that married straight men do when they get together (well, I mean, there are a lot of interesting things they do)…and that is to pretend that they are trapped by their wives/serious girlfriends.

It’s interesting because I know for a fact that guys I know who have participated in this sort of performance do not feel confined by their relationships - but when the group is making jokes like that, they play along anyway. The only other people I’ve encountered this with are butch/femme or trans/femme couples (in which the butch or trans guy plays off being trapped by his or her wife/gf).

It was funny to me because as the “my wife is keeping me down” buddying happened, I said that I really love being in my relationship and that I think being married will be great. I got kind of a blank look and then I realized that I’m a girl, so I’m expected to feel that way. Not everyone there knows I’m gay, and straight women’s feelings about marriage are assumed, so yeah.

Well, anyway. It was just sort of funny. And I thought about it as I drove home, listening to the State of the Union.

The first thing I thought about was Dan Savage, actually. This is going on a tangent from the conversation, but it’s based on what I feel underlies these kinds of conversations - that what this is secretly about is lamenting monogamy. It’s the sense that “she got me” and now I can’t have anyone else. Culturally, I think we tell men that even if they practice monogamy that they should constantly protest it. And that’s where this joke of being trapped comes in.

It’s silly, though. You don’t have to be monogamous to be married, nor do you have to be married to be monogamous. The pretense that you have to do anything is useless. If you want to have someone you’re married to, but want to run around and have sex with other people too, just marry someone who wants that. They do exist. So complaining (even in sort of a vague, culturally required way) about choosing monogamy is sort of boring.

But as much as I make fun of the fundies who run around waving their hands and screaming about teh gayz leading to the downfall of society and lack of morals, I guess being gay has given me some perspective about sexuality period. When you have to reject what society tells you is required (heterosexuality), then you are really open to look critically at all our relationship structures. So it’s entirely possible that for me, monogamy was a choice because I assessed my options and picked the one that works best for me; while for a lot of straight people monogamy was not a choice because they never had to deconstruct their sexuality.

I don’t know. What I do know is that people should be very careful complaining about how hard it is to be married to the old ball and chain. Because some of us don’t have the luxury to do that and have it recognized everywhere. Just sayin.