Syndicate and Hague

Not to be, um, lacking in a sense of humor or anything…

Fuck Anheuser-Busch.

Not just because of their crappy beer. (And it is crappy. And I am a snob. Give me a Bell’s any day.)

But, rather, because of the ad campaign they’re “mulling” over.

From Adweek

The brewer has commissioned two spots that play up the regret factor of a one-night stand following an evening of consuming too many shots and cocktails, said Bob Lachky, A-B’s evp of global industry and development and chief creative officer.

Can’t you tell already that this is going to be good? Side note: this is part of their attempt to market beer to women. I’m sure you’re heart’s a-beating with anticipation.

In the spot from the woman’s perspective, she wakes up in “Darrellville”—the bedroom of a hairy-chested man in a robe who invites her to “come here and nibble me.”

Both spots conclude with screen text: “Minimize the surprise. Stick with beer.”

The article focuses on how this could piss off the liquor industry and the anti-alcohol lobby. Hello. Hel-looooo? Yeah. Um. Know who else it’ll piss off? Your supposed target audience.

I’m sorry, but I’m going to go all shrill on you. Telling people they should drink beer so that they don’t black out and wake up somewhere they don’t know, with someone they don’t remember is just nauseating.

Hey. Hey, you. Want to not get raped? Pass on the hard liquor. Drink beer.

Dammit! If only we’d known!

“Oh Sara,” you might say, “They’re not talking about rape. Who hasn’t had a few too many and gone home with someone they sort of wished they didn’t? You’re so strident.”

Well. I’m not of the opinion that sleeping with someone after you’ve had a couple of drinks means anything bad. However, I am going to advocate ferociously that if you’ve had so much to drink that you don’t know who you’re with when you wake up…the person you’re with is a jackass. And I’ll just say it: someone who has blacked out can’t consent to sex.

So…thanks for the thought, A-B. I hope you permanently mull this campaign. Because it’ll be about as well-received as that godawful and offensive Snickers campaign.

So I’ve spent some time this afternoon looking at Project Vote Smart’s website and I have come to one conclusion:

Having candidates run for president while in office is bad for our democracy.

Seriously. Look at the voting records of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. No vote after no vote after no vote. I hadn’t looked very extensively at Obama’s record before and it’s, shall we say, a bit on the weaselly side. Lots of no votes, especially for controversial legislation. Unfortunately, we can’t compare Edwards, since he isn’t currently in office, though his own record seems to have a lot of no votes from when he was running in 2004.

I’ve been having a lot of personal troubles with making a decision about who to vote for on February 5. And, in strangely un-Sara form, I’m not sure that I’m going to say who I vote for this year. Well, I mean, in the primary. It’s a pretty safe assumption that the Republican candidate for president will not get my vote…you know, being that I disagree with all of them on policy and most of them freak me out with various positions on issues. But I won’t waste my real venting on the Rs until I have one to focus on…later in the year.

If you’re voting in the primary, I encourage you to check out Vote Smart’s info on the candidates. It’s a really good resource and might help you strip away the rhetoric and decide who suits you best.

All that being said, I’m going to make use of the extended biography section today. Here are my opinions on the candidates based on totally ludicrous and irrelevant information:

Hillary Clinton

Scorpio! I hear they’re sex-obsessed. God, Sara, you’re so anti-femini—-WHAT? Clan of the Cave Bear is one of her favorite books? Maybe there’s something to this Scorpio thing. (I must interject and say I base this on the fact that the only reason I ever heard of people reading this was because we were a. 12, b. wanted to read something with sex in it. Sort of like the reason we read VC Andrews, but without the incest. WHY WERE WE COMPELLED TO READ THAT IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL? WHY?! I’m so emotionally scarred. By that and Stephen King’s It. I’m sure people read Clan of the Cave Bear for other reasons though.) That said, I feel like most of her picks were sort of meh and obvious. I liked Little Women and The Color Purple too, though. And hey! Look! She didn’t say the Bible.

Barack Obama

Barack is a Leo. Oh, you charismatic sign, you. He scores major points by listing Shakespeare’s Tragedies (but which ones, Barack? Which ones?!) among his favorite books, but earns blah points by listing the Bible. The selection of Moby Dick interests me. I’ve never met a woman who identifies with that book. His heroes include…um…MLK, Gandhi, John Coltrane and…uh…Picasso? Why? I mean, yeah, cubism is cool and all, but Picasso was kind of a jackass. You know, Alice in Wonderland is one of my favorite books, but I certainly wouldn’t list Lewis Carroll as a hero, if you know what I’m saying. The candidates were supposed to say why these were their heroes, but none of them did…so we can only speculate. I guess all that’s left to say is that he likes to cook chili. I like chili. He should cook me chili. I like when people cook for me. It endears them to me. (Hint. Vote. Hint.)

John Edwards

God. His additional info is SUCH A BORE! I don’t believe these are his favorite books. Really? The Trial of Socrates? Sigh. But hey! Look! He didn’t say the Bible. Props, Southern Boy. The rest is way too down home for me. Favorite food: mom’s pecan pie. Personal hero: Elizabeth Edwards. SIGH. Even though it fits with his theme of “I’m for the workin’ folks,” I like that Springsteen is his favorite musician. Because, well, I like Springsteen and I can get behind that. (Side note: I think his theme of I’m for the workin’ folks is GREAT for the Dems and makes me want to actually vote for him, but is bad for entertaining me in his bio.)

I gotta say–I like that his mom was a post office employee. Makes me think of Charles Bukowski. For no reason at all except for he worked at the post office and is really the only other identifiable person in my brain who has worked at the post office for any significant portion of time. And having Bukowski associated with this otherwise dull profile makes it a little more exciting for me.

By the way, John’s a Gemini (oooh!).

Who to pick?

Well, we’re basically choosing between: Hillary, who made me remember the horrors of VC Andrews; Barack, who should cook me chili and likes Shakespeare, but also tritely lists the Bible; and John, whose profile was only enlivened by my decision to connect his mother with Bukowski.

Oh. Dear. This is just too much pressure. Based on irrelevant things, I choose Barack. Bible or not, Shakespeare is fucking awesome and so is chili.